Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The Future Is a Scary Place

I'm in full on essay avoidance mode now. Two weeks left to go and I have four major assignments to do, two of which I haven't really started. It'll hit me hard soon, I think. However, this isn't ordinary essay avoidance. Normally I just don't want to do the work, but this is different. I mean, it's true that I don't want to do the work, but it's more than that.

These assignments effectively represent the end of my academic career, an ending about which I feel violently conflicted. I absolutely want to finish school and get on with my life, and I need an extended break from the workload, having not had the past summer off, so I'm looking forward to being done. But I'm also dreading it.

I expect that I'm going to spend far too much time over the next few months at home, desperate for something worthwhile to do. School has given me a purpose for as long as I can remember. I was always working toward finishing, and even when I was doing assignments I thought were a waste of time, I was still working toward my main goal. In a few weeks, I won't have that goal. I'll have to set new priorities and new things to work toward, and in the meantime, I'll be adrift. I've never experienced that before, and it's terrifying.

I'll also miss the social element desperately, especially in the short term. School gave me opportunities to meet new and interesting people all the time, and it's only now that I really realize how miserably I've failed to capitalize on that.

This is probably going to be the biggest life change I've ever experienced, and I feel completely unprepared for it. I've spent so much time focused on finishing, I forgot to figure out what to do when I'm done.

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